million_points_of_light | somehow you always seem to be there, making it easy

Entry tags:

somehow you always seem to be there, making it easy

Who: Three guesses. First two don't count.
What: Dumb boys talking about dumb stuff idk
When: After returning from the mission in Nepal, probably the next day?
Where: Casa de Bro
Why: Reasons
Warnings: Egregious amounts of derp and sap.

After all the rain in Nepal, Lea had to admit the snow in Exsilium was kind of welcome again. Sure, it was a lot colder here, but at least he wasn't sopping wet and covered in mud anymore. Standing by the stove, waiting for the pot of water to boil so he could make noodles, Lea hummed quietly to himself, a mostly tuneless amalgamation of notes that didn't resemble any song in particular. The house was quiet, and despite all of the... drama... that had come to pass during their mission, Lea was actually feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

Oh, sure, the whole Good Samaritan thing was all well and good, he guessed. That sort of thing had never really been Lea's forté, and while he would have been hard pressed to just walk away from someone who really needed a hand, proactively helping strangers wasn't his style. He hadn't wanted to go to Nepal, but he supposed that all things considered, he wasn't sorry he had. It had been an informative trip, if nothing else.

The water rumbled to a boil, and Lea tore open the package of curly ramen noodles, upending them into the water and poking at them with a fork, still humming that extempore song to himself. He hadn't been in this good of a mood in a long time.

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"There's leftovers in the fridge, and you're making ramen?"

Riku strode down from the bedroom, rubbing an eye. Sleep still clung to him after a small nap--Riku was slowly starting to learn, and his trip in Nepal had thrown his entire sleeping schedule out of whack.

Well, no... the trip hadn't thrown it out of whack.

Waiting up for Lea certainly had, though. He hesitated for a moment, before meandering over, hand hesitantly pressing against his forearm as he lifted himself onto his tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "Guess I'll forgive you. Nice job."

Lea just grinned as Riku meandered up beside him, squinting one eye closed at the kiss on the cheek. Sheesh, when did he start condoning such sappery? Well, okay, Lea was actually kind of a poster child for sappery, but that wasn't the point.

"You napped!" he announced with a grin, still poking the noodles with a fork. "I'm proud of you! Sorry again--you really didn't have to wait up."

And then he reached around Riku to grab the colander from where he'd left it set on the counter.

"And excuse you, you've obviously never eaten my ramen before." He spun to the sink, lifting the pot and colander over Riku's head and then dumping the noodles into the strainer before adding some more water to the pot and swinging back around to the stove. He hadn't even turned off the burner, and just set the pot back down to boil again. "Clearly you need to be educated; do we still have sesame seeds?"

"It's fine," he shrugged and rubbed an eye again, ducking his head when he spun around to the sink and ducking once more when he went back to the stove.

The question had him slowly trodding over to the spice cabinet, looking through various vials and bags before he came across one full of black and white sesame seeds. "Looks like," he looked at Lea with a brow raised, handing the bag over. "What'dyou need them for?"

"They go on top when it's all done," he said, tossing the noodles in the colander and then dividing them up into two bowls. He hadn't planned on sharing, but Riku needed further education. He dusted the noodles with the little spice packet from the package and then added some sesame oil and soy sauce (and chili oil to his own, but he wasn't sure Riku would want that).

He tugged open the fridge and grabbed a bundle of green onions and two eggs. Closing the fridge with his hip, he looked at the onions, then at the eggs, then at Riku, and then handed him the eggs.

"Crack those in a bowl and mix 'em up, would you?" He would tackle the onions himself. "I learned how to make this during one of my stints in the Land of Dragons, actually," he said with a chuckle. "I got stuck on a recon mission there, and I wound up having to stay the night 'cuz I wasn't finished by nightfall and Saïx would'a kicked my ass if I RTC'd before I was done." He grabbed a cutting board and a knife, chopping at the green ends of the onions and shaking his head with a grin. "This little old lady found me holed up in a cave outside the village--I couldn't exactly go to the inn, you know? Kind of against company policy."

He took the bowl of beaten egg from Riku and drizzled it into the boiling water, mixing it with a fork so the egg would flower into the water.

"She insisted on dragging me back to her house, though," he said, looking amused. "Said I was too skinny and I'd freeze in that cave--she made this awesome pot of noodles and showed me how." He set the egg bowl down and then poured the egg flower water over the two bowls of noodles. "Of course, hers had like... these funky little fish cakes and some weird vegetables I couldn't identify if I tried," he said, setting the pot back down and tossing the green onion on top of the bowls. Then he shook the sesame seeds on top and handed a bowl to Riku, sliding a pair of chopsticks into the bowl. "So you'll just have to use your imagination there.

"That's actually probably one of the best memories I have of any missions I ran for the Organization," he admitted then, something wistful in his eyes as he swirled the noodles through the broth. "Xemnas didn't exactly condone having fun while we worked, after all; we had to take what we could get."

As Lea recounted his tale, he tilted his head, doing as he said and carefully settling next to him when he was done.

"Sounds nice," he admitted, stirring his noodles to follow what Lea was doing. Of the few things he still kept in mind when he was out and about from home--he knew to follow what the host was doing and how they were eating, when he was elsewhere. Whatever Lea did (within reason), he'd do. He almost opened his mouth to say something else, to try and contribute to the discussion--and thought better of it. What could he say? DiZ didn't like him hanging around on other worlds unless he had to. Riku wasn't supposed to be out, and he always tried to come back quickly to make sure everything was in order.

And then, there were days Riku could barely get out of bed from the guilt pressing on his chest.

It was probably best not to share that with Lea. "Maybe we'll get to go sometime."

Edited 2014-01-31 03:32 (UTC)

Lea laughed at that.

"I wonder if she'd remember me...?" he mused aloud, twisting the noodles around the chopsticks and then slurping them rather noisily. Hey, that's how they do it in China, okay.

Riku had fallen quiet, and there was that familiar look on his face when he was thinking about something he didn't want to think about. Lea wagged the back ends of the chopsticks at Riku.

"Eat," he said firmly, mouth still half full, "and none'a that crap where you pick daintily at your food like a damn bird. Enjoy your food, for Light's sake; you feed everybody in this house, at least accept it in return once in a while."

Riku wrinkled his nose, and reached out to smack his hand with his chopsticks.

"Don't eat with your mouth full," he retaliated, cheeks pink at Lea's jab. "You're supposed to eat a little at a time so you digest it all right, anyway."

That, and... well. Riku awkwardly tried to twist the noodles around his chopsticks, frowning as they slipped out of their grip. With a more focused face, he awkwardly brought them to his mouth, slurping as noiselessly as he could. After a moment of chewing, he made a thoughtful noise, swallowing. "This is... pretty good." He looked up to Lea. "Maybe you should cook dinner more."

"How'm I s'posed to eat if my mouth ain't full?" he asked petulantly, and then swallowed his mouthful of noodles. "You know in China, slurping your noodles is considered polite. It's like a compliment to the chef." He nodded judiciously then, but supposed Riku wasn't the sort of dog to give up his old tricks to learn new ones, in any case. Oh well, he'd done his best.

He looked pleased when Riku approved of the noodles then.

"Well, it's nowhere near as good as what you and Sheena make," he said, "but I get by."

They ate in comfortable quiet for a moment, and then Lea glanced at Riku again. He needed to tell him. He wasn't sure if Riku had heard anything that he'd said to him after he'd been shot, but... he deserved to know. It had been such a small thing, ultimately, a realization he should have come to a long time ago, really... but it had snuck up on him somehow, always darting away when he might have been about to grasp it.

He set his chopsticks down crossways atop his bowl and cast his eyes to the window.

"Y'ever fly a kite?" he asked, in his usual way of asking things out of the blue with no segue.

Looking down at his noodles, Riku's brain fried as he tried to assume slurping, something he'd been hit on the hand several times for doing (much like he'd smacked Lea's hand), was a good thing. Nope.

Can't compute. He continued to eat quietly and a little at a time. For once, he really enjoyed a meal, bare feet brushing against the linoleum as he thought to himself. With their mission completed, Riku would go back to caring for the puppies--who were quickly growing up. He'd accompany Robert on sledding practice soon, he supposed--

"A kite?" Riku jerked his head up. Where had that come from. He squinted at the noodles in his bowl and then looked up to Lea, as if silently asking how the hell he'd transitioned from noodles to kites. "Y--yeah, I did. When I was little. Never got the hang of it, though, Sora was better."

"My old man showed me how to make a kite once, when I was like eight," he said, his brow furrowed like it was a chore to remember. "I got so excited I ran outside with it half done," he added after a beat of silence, chuckling to himself. "I hooked it up to a length of twine and took off to find Isa to show him, and then when I tried to make it fly I couldn't get it to work right." He made a twirling gesture with one hand, index finger lifted. "It flew, but it just kept spinning," he said, shaking his head. "End over end, around and around, until it just nosedived into a tree."

He chuckled again, swirling up another chopstickful of noodles, but let it sit for a moment, not eating it.

"Isa'd been trying to tell me the whole time," he said, "that a kite needed a tail." He took the bite of noodles and slurped it up extra noisily, as if to make up for Riku's dainty eating. "Said it was unbalanced wifoud it," he said then, mouth still full, again, as if to offset how impeccably polite Riku always seemed to have to be. Swallowing the noodles, he pointed at Riku with his chopsticks. "So we made a tail out of one of his dad's ugly old ties," he said, "and wouldn't you know--the thing flew straight as an arrow."

He gave Riku about eight seconds before he questioned the point of the story.

The story had a fond air to it; Riku found himself smiling despite himself, eyes lowered to the bowl.

His smile vanished when Lea slurped, squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth as if he were hearing nails on a chalkboard. With focused, narrowed eyes and a flat look, he almost spoke, but shook his head. There was no use talking to a brick wall, was there? Even worse when their name was Lea.

"Of course it did. It needed something to offset it," he agreed with a shrug, and then furrowed his brows.

...

"Is there a point to this story," he started after several seconds, trying to pick up a few more noodles and slurping them. When they came out with a bigger noise than he'd hoped, he made a face and covered his mouth, embarrassed. "o--or are you just thinking out loud?"

Lea hid his amusement behind one hand as Riku seemed surprised by how loud noodles could be--big bad Keyblade Master Riku, so easily flustered. Lea would never cease to be entertained (and endeared) by that about him.

He paused a moment, then gazed into his bowl, prodding the noodles with his chopsticks before setting them down again.

"Look, ah, I realized something," he blurted, like maybe if he didn't say it right now he would lose the nerve. He glanced sidelong at Riku, something uncertain in his eyes. "I know we never talk about... what happened in Paris," he said, and shook his head, "but... just for one second, I wanna talk about what happened in Paris."

He shoved his chair back and turned it so he could face Riku, his expression severe.

"You... you changed everything that day," he said, the words tumbling out of his mouth almost too quickly. "I didn't even really think we were friends at the time, you know? And you..." Well, Riku knew what he'd done. "And I was really mad!" Lea continued, gesturing vaguely with both hands. "Because... because I didn't think I mattered that much!" He met Riku's eyes sharply, shaking his head. He knew this probably sounded really bizarre and out of the blue, but he needed to say it. And if he didn't say it now he wasn't sure he would. "The idea that I mattered enough to somebody who barely knew me... that they would..." He just sort of gestured again, unwilling to actually say aloud that Riku had died for him. "You changed everything," he said again. "You changed the way I thought about you, even about myself--you changed... you changed my life, okay? Like in that one day, you just turned everything I thought I knew on its ear. And it pissed me off. Because suddenly everything was different, and I didn't like it."

He huffed, then held one hand up to cut Riku off before he could rebut.

"Aa--I'm not done," he said. "Every time something's changed for us, you've been the catalyst," he said. "You were the one who even brought up the idea of being more than friends in the first place," he jerked a thumb over his shoulder, "while I was still stuck back there in the idea that friendship was as good as it got. Suddenly everything was different again, but... I tried to like it. And I learned to like it." He cleared his throat, averted his eyes, and then gave Riku a look that teetered between defensive and urgent. "I do. Like it.

"But... the point I'm trying to make here is, it's all you," he said, shaking his head. "It's always been you, and I feel like I've just been standing here walking in your footsteps because I have no idea where we're going, like you're just leading this ridiculous dance neither of us knows how to do and..."

There was a beat of silence, and then Lea blew a sigh up toward his hairline.

"Yesterday, when... when you got shot," he said, "I realized I know the steps now."

At the word "Paris", Riku twitched, staring down at his bowl and gripping into his chopsticks.

He didn't want to talk about Paris. He almost felt like saying no, we're not, defensive and protective. He wasn't ashamed, he held no regrets--the sensation of dying, however, made him dizzy and he would rather not think about it, at all. He let Lea speak, eyes closed, breathing in. Lea wouldn't touch on subjects Riku couldn't handle. He... he was sure of it.

Just as Lea had predicted, Riku opened his mouth just as he held up his hand and, defeated, he looked back at his bowl, shoulders hunched.

It changed in a matter of seconds; he straightened and looked at Lea with a wary, almost scared look. Oh. Was--was he really changing so much? Something sick started in his stomach. Maybe Lea didn't like that. No, he said he didn't like the change... maybe this was...

"I-I'm sorry?" He half stammered, half in surprise and half earnest. Wait. Exasperated, Riku let his tense shoulders slump. "Lea, what're you trying to say? I can't understand you. Kites, dances--what are you talking about, already?"

Lea had learned a lot about Riku in the time they'd been friends, but one thing he still hadn't quite wrapped his head around was Riku's penchant for completely misunderstanding what he was saying. Well, Lea rather had a penchant for being roundabout and obtuse in what he was trying to say, at that, so maybe there was fault on both sides. When Riku blanched and got a sick look to him, Lea's eyes snapped open wide and he shook his head quickly.

"No!" he gasped, waving his hands and then reaching out and snatching up both of Riku's, knowing exactly what he was thinking and wanting to shoot that down immediately. "Look, I'm... bad at just being straightforward, okay? I always have been--I can't just... say stuff, I have to do it sideways." He shook his head again, squeezing Riku's hands tightly. "I'm saying... I'm saying that I can lead sometimes too, 'cuz... maybe now I kind of know what I want out of this. I've been following you this whole time because I had no idea what I was doing, but when you got shot yesterday, when you fell, I was just suddenly... spinning out of control and nosediving into a tree." Right, because that made sense.

Okay, try again. He released Riku's hands and took his face instead, his eyes urgent and a little exasperated. Axel had always known just what to say to get what he wanted, but manipulation wasn't Lea's goal. Lea just wanted to say what he was feeling and for some reason that was nearabout impossible.

"I don't wanna just wait for you to lead the way anymore," he said. "If you'd died yesterday... the Initiative wouldn't have been able to bring you back. And that... that scared the shit out of me." He hesitated, glanced away, then met his eyes again. "I'm saying that there was a lot of stuff I wanted to say to you that I just hadn't figured out how to say, and I thought I'd lost my chance--I thought I'd lost you. I'm saying that I'm sick of you having to have near-death experiences for me to get my head on straight."

Lea swallowed, like he was biting back something else, and then he leaned forward in his chair and clunked his forehead against Riku's, hands still on either side of the younger man's face.

"I'm saying that... I need you, Riku. You're the tail on my kite, stupid," he said quietly, closing his eyes and feeling really lame and cheesy, "and I'm... sorry that it took nearly losing you for me to figure that out."

Edited 2014-01-31 17:24 (UTC)

"Y--you? Need me?" A harsh, disbelieving laugh comes from his lips before he can stop it; he tries to calm himself down, biting his lower lip, staying still. Lea's revelation makes him quake in his hands.

He needed him? Since when? Riku had always known Lea to march to his own drum; Riku could certainly hassle him to do something, but it was always up to Lea if he would do it. He had the propensity to lead because he'd always been entrusted with the reins, so he assumed he had to. Lea needed him... and didn't want to wait for him to point them the way they should go?

His heart was beating way too fast, and his face was too hot.

"If--if you can lead, tell me what to say," he finally said, voice hushed. "'cause I don't have a clue." Riku'd needed Lea for a while; and although Riku never said it outright, he knew Lea knew. There was no way he didn't. Despite his brashness and bruised pride, Riku fell apart easily at the seams. One cough could mean a choke or a week-long fever.

"I need you too? But you already knew that. 'Thanks'? Sounds... cheap?"

The harsh laugh didn't come as a surprise, sadly, and Lea released Riku's face as he felt the younger man sort of tremble beneath his hands. Riku didn't give himself a sliver of the credit he was due, and it kind of made Lea ache with indignation.

"Yeah," he said sternly, frowning a little, "I do. I'd fly either way, Riku, but... I ain't had an offset in a really long time. And you see how things have gone for me." He hesitated, then glanced away. "I've been nosediving since I lost Isa, really," he admitted, his voice barely audible. "Roxas and Xion, they gave me a direction, but no matter how I tried I just couldn't quite get there." He shook his head and met Riku's eye again. "I made all the wrong decisions," he said, and then just sort of let his arms flap helplessly to his sides, "and when I thought you'd been shot, when I thought you were just gonna die and leave me behind, I almost made a bunch more."

Like he had in Paris. He had killed those men--actual people--like they'd been nothing more than Dusks. Less than Dusks. Even as he had slaughtered them alongside Sora in Betwixt and Between Axel had thought to himself that he didn't really want to destroy them. But those men in Paris? ... He had killed them without remorse. He had wanted to kill them. And he had been a breath away from doing the same thing to all those bandits in Nepal. He didn't know what he would have even done about Sora.

Lea paused, pressing his lips together, and then reached out impulsively to grab Riku's hand again, squeezing it tightly.

"I learn from my mistakes," he said, "but... I gotta make 'em first. That's always been my problem: I'm a once bitten twice shy kind of person, and I don't learn my lesson until I've been bitten. I screwed up with Roxas and Xion. I lied to them, I kept things from them... I learned that doing that destroys friendships, good intentions notwithstanding. They... they keep me honest. Every time I consider lying, omitting, I remember everything I lost because of that." He squeezed his hand tight. "You, though, you... keep me from being a selfish ass. I never would have done that dumb mission if it hadn't been for your pressing about it. I don't play Good Samaritan, it's just not in my nature." He ventured a crooked attempt at a smile. "They keep me honest, but you keep me... good, I guess." He rubbed his neck with his free hand. "Wow, that sounds... really dumb."

And then he sighed.

"I'm not really sure where we're going," he admitted, "but I think I finally feel like maybe I know the baseline well enough to write the rest of the song." More metaphors; try and keep up, sport. So long as Riku was the counterpoint, Lea figured he could keep the song going. "It ain't fair to just expect you to take all those first steps."

The crooked smile straightened a little, broadened a lot, and Lea chuckled faintly.

"It isn't cheap," he said. He'd known, in a way, for a while. He knew Riku kind of needed a keeper, as it were. What had surprised him was how eagerly he himself had stepped up to that plate. Leaning forward again he pressed a kiss to the corner of Riku's lips before pulling back and squeezing his hand again. "I know how much it means to know somebody needs you around. That's... that's why I wanted to tell you."

His laughter died in his throat; he swallowed hard and gripped Lea's hand back.

He... kept Lea good. For a moment, only that echoed in his mind. He kept Lea on track, he pulled him back, he was--

... he was a tether. Mind flashing back to their failed meditation, his heart lurched, and he swallowed again, trying to push the befuddled words back down to his lungs. A tether, an anchor, a reminder. Riku's heart beat hard in his ears.

More metaphors. At least he didn't hear them all.

Riku's shoulders slumped and he near rolled his eyes, expression fading to softness.

"It's... nice," he admitted, quiet and clumsy, more to his knees than to Lea. "Being wanted, I--mean," his eyes flickered up to Lea, and then back down. "And needed. I know Sora and Kairi want me around, but it's... different. With you."

"Different, huh?" He gave him a curious look. Wasn't that what he'd been saying all along? Best friends... just different?

He grabbed his bowl of ramen, feeling much better now that this had been aired, even if things were a little awkward now. That seemed to be kind of how things went with them. Swirling the noodles with his chopsticks, he took a bite, making an effort not to slurp noisily this time. Chewing thoughtfully, he swallowed and then lifted his eyebrows inquisitively.

"How so?" he asked. He kind of wanted to see if Riku's opinion on the whole thing kind of matched his own.

There's a long pause before Riku raised his eyes to Lea again. He shifted, shoulders hunched, as if he were trying to make himself fold up and disappear.

He let a moment of silence stretch between them before breathing in. "I've never had a place where I belonged before. I--at least, I never felt like it." Destiny Islands was where he had 'belonged', but he felt unsure in his skin, and he didn't want anything but to leave.

Finding a place where he felt at home was... exhausting. He'd never found a place, never found a world where he felt comfortable, at home--he'd never found a place where he wasn't at least on guard. "Maybe there were places I should've belonged, but... I never felt it. I feel it, sometimes, with Sora and Kairi." But only sometimes.

How could he feel he belonged after what he did?

"But--with you..." his voice faltered, and his cheeks got redder as he covered some of his face with a hand.

Lea couldn't help himself: he laughed. There was too much joy in the sound for it to be mistaken as derisive or mocking--Lea didn't laugh like that often. He reached out and took Riku's face in both hands again, pressing his nose into his hair and just laughing against his crown. How long had he felt the exact same way? How long had he spent searching for a place to belong before he'd mostly resigned himself to never finding it?

How long had it taken him to realize...? He should have just run away with Roxas and Xion that day, like they'd suggested. Anywhere could have been home with them. But then he wouldn't have this, though. Sometimes Lea lamented all his choices... but when he really stopped to look at where they had led him, maybe they hadn't all been so wrong.

"Home isn't a 'where'," he laughed, "it's a 'who'. Don't they say home's where your heart is?" He pulled back and gave Riku a broad smile, a hand over his chest as he fingered the chain around his neck. "This place... it ain't home because it's where I live, it's home because it's where you live. You, and Roxas, and Sora and Naminé."

One day he would save the others. He would get Roxas back. He would save Xion and Isa. They would defeat Xehanort and then...? Then any world could be home. He was really starting to believe that it could happen, this faraway thing that had seemed so beyond anyone's reach... Lea was honestly starting to think that so long as Riku was with him they could do anything.

Of course he was never going to go so far as to say that, that was way too corny.

"Ugh, now you're being a sap," Riku said defensively.

(He didn't want to admit that he'd been close to saying the same thing.)

Instead of quailing or pulling away from Lea's grip, he closed his eyes, feeling far more at peace than he usually did. It felt weird, felt... surreal, to feel so comfortable with someone's hands on him.

(Especially when his hands weren't on Lea. He never felt so comfortable just being touched, and not at least having the agency to touch back. To not touch back was strange, and not raising his hands to do something had him feeling small, vulnerable, something he would usually never allow himself to be. But with Lea...)

"Yeah, well, I'd be way less entertaining if I wasn't," he said into Riku's hair. He was still a moment, resting his chin on Riku's crown, and then he pulled back and took his face in both hands again, grinning. "Admit it: you'd be bored."

He released his face and went back to his noodles, not wanting to make Riku uncomfortable. He'd said his piece, it had been received positively, and that was enough. Lea wasn't particularly ashamed of the fact that he was, in most cases, a little too sentimental for his own good, but inflicting it on others was something to be done in moderation.

"Eat your noodles before they get cold, dude," he said, standing up and spinning his chair around with his foot so he could sit backwards in it, still facing Riku instead of the table. "I promise that's the end of my being a sap for the day, okay?"

There was a fondness in Riku's smile that was hard to miss; he tried to smother the glow with a shrug and closed eyes, but the quirk was there. Even if he tried to deny it.

"You better keep that promise," Riku chided, going back to his noodles, ears turning red. "I don't think I can take much more."

"I met my daily quota," he said, swirling his noodles and taking a mouthful. "Sho where'd you get that armor anyhow?" he asked then, not really caring about the lack of propriety of talking with his mouth full. He swallowed, then rested his chin on the back of the chair. "I've never seen armor that could stop a bullet that wasn't like... maybe one of those big metal suits like in Beast's Castle. That's some pretty hardcore stuff."

"Oh--"

Riku braced a hand to where the big bruise was, underneath his shirt. With a little wince, he straightened and brought the bowl up nearer to him so he wouldn't spill anything as he took a mouthful. After a polite chew and swallow, he went on. "Tamora gave it to me. Last time she and I went on a mission, I got hurt, and she didn't know that we could be revived. It was a long time ago. I guess, now that she's back, she's making sure I don't have more life-death experiences."

He took a sip of broth with a spoon, and looked sidelong at Lea.

"Good news for you, huh."

"Oh, that soldier lady who taught you how to shoot a rifle?" And then he shook his head. "Tch, man, you and your near-death experiences. Least I'm not the only one gunning for you to be swaddled in bubble wrap anytime you leave the house." He took another bite of noodles. "I'm'a buy this Tamora lady some flowers or something. With a little card. 'Thanks for having the foresight to save my idiot boyfriend's life'."

He looked off, red starting to expand towards his cheeks as well. He couldn't deny that it actually felt a little good that someone cared enough about him that they wanted to protect him--Riku so often was only the protector, never the protected. If he was the protected, it was hardly ever in a way he'd prefer. When his family got protective, it was overprotective; it was a smothering mess where his brother was called to go out with him to the store when it was a block away and Riku was thirteen and didn't need to hold people's hands anymore to cross the street.

But this kind of protectiveness, this want to guard... Riku could grow into it.

"I didn't say it was near-death," Riku said. "I just said that I got hurt. And she taught me how to use a pistol."

Like muscle memory, he rubbed his forehead at the memory of lessons.

Contrarily, Lea was used to being the one looking after the smaller ones. Isa had often teased him for picking up 'stray puppies' when they'd been kids together, and after a few hard years of being picked on for having a girly name, Lea had taken the initiative to put a stop to the picking on of others. Unless he was doing the picking, of course, in which case it was never malicious.

He nibbled thoughtfully on the ends of his chopsticks and rolled his eyes.

"Well you said she didn't know you could be revived, so pardon me for drawing what I felt was a logical conclusion, sheesh," he grumbled. "I mean, this is you we're talking about, Mister Big Damn Hero." He didn't really sound as surly as the words might have otherwise--really, part of him was proud that someone as upstanding as Riku had deigned to be his friend. More than his friend. But he'd have been lying if he said it didn't worry him sometimes that he would just throw his life away trying to help someone else.

Polishing off his noodles and sipping at the remaining broth, Lea peered at Riku over the lip of the bowl.

"Maybe I should take some lessons," he said, and then lowered the bowl, grinning a little. "You should'a seen me with those bandits. I jacked somebody's gun and shot 'im in the foot. On purpose, even!"

His cheeks colored, and he rubbed his cheek with a hand, like he was aware of how red he was getting. "There's no heroics here, Lea," he stated simply with a shrug, shaking his head idly. "I'm just doing what needs to be done. Sora's the one with 'HERO' painted on his forehead. I bet you could give him a shield and a horse and he'd be a normal knight in shining armor." Surprisingly, a little smile came to his lips as he spoke, and it wasn't of the mocking nature, but he was politely rebuffing Lea's train of thought.

He wasn't good. He just did good things; he did what people didn't want to do. He didn't have a problem with picking up the slack.

He made a face, though, at the thought of Lea handling a gun. "How's your aim?" He said, sipping his bowl and closing his eyes, half an honest question and half a physical I don't think you're cut out for sharpshooting.

Lea snorted. "I dunno, you pulled off the hero on a horse thing pretty well that time I nearly got trampled," he chortled, "and you've already got some pretty swanky armor."

He wasn't going to try and argue this point with Riku, he already knew it was a moot one. Sora may have had HERO scrawled all over his face, but Riku? Riku had it scrawled all over his back, and that was why everyone could see it but him. It was okay, though, really. Maybe Riku would never see it, but that wouldn't stop Lea from pointing it out when the opportunity presented itself.

The face he made was actually fairly similar to Riku's on the subject of the gun, however. He didn't really think he was so cut out for it, either.

"I wasn't half bad," he admitted, "but I was... pretty pissed. I think if those guys hadn't shot at you first I wouldn't have had nearly the same luck." He swirled another wad of noodles around his chopsticks and shoved them in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. "I'll shtick to my chakramzh, I fink," he said, and then swallowed. "My aim's pretty impeccable, if I do say so myself, but I don't like the recoil."

Riku shifted awkwardly, and raked a hand through his hair.

Both times he'd been injured, Riku hadn't seen Lea's reaction. Honestly, Riku was never sure he wanted to--hearing that he was angry made him uncomfortable. He understood that Lea... cared for him (not always--Riku had days where he just couldn't fathom it, not really) but the thought of him actually being angry or vengeful on his behalf made a flutter in his stomach that he wasn't sure if it was bad or good.

He tended to think bad.

"The recoil's pretty bad," he offered, thinking back to his first lessons.

It didn't really cross Lea's mind that being avenged would make Riku uncomfortable. Admittedly, he hadn't really ever thought of himself as the vengeful type, but there were people he made the exception for, deeds that warranted retribution. He tried not to think about what he might have done to Xehanort, given the option, because at the end of the day Lea didn't want to be that scary, dangerous person he'd been for ten long years. He kind of liked being this easygoing goober who laughed at himself and didn't have to try so hard to be something he just wasn't cut out to be. He liked telling stupid jokes and obnoxiously slurping noodles and making his friends laugh and more than anything he liked that that was okay these days.

Riku's voice sounded uncertain somehow, like there was more on his mind than recoil, and Lea frowned a little before clapping him carefully on the shoulder.

"Don't worry," he said, "I'm not planning on making a habit of testing my marksmanship, okay?"

Sheesh, first they couldn't talk about France, and now they couldn't talk about guns either. Riku really needed to stop with this whole death and trauma thing or they would eventually run out of things to talk about.

"It's not that," he said with a sigh. "I don't really care, as long as you don't start wearing an eyepatch, too."

Because although Riku would never admit it, Xigbar freaked him out.

The more he thought about what happened, the more it was hard to think that the way the fight went south hadn't been his fault. He went down, Lea panicked, Sora went Anti. Was it coincidence or causation? He sighed heavily.

"Lea, this was my fault, wasn't it? I blacked out, and Sora was still normal. When I came to, he wasn't. If I hadn't been shot, none of this would've happened..."

A sigh, as he rubbed his face. "I need to be more careful."

Lea lifted one hand and covered his left eye with his palm, then covered his right instead, then made a face. "Mm... nope," he said, "I like my depth perception, thanks." Though he wouldn't have blamed Riku for admitting he was a little freaked out by Xigbar. Xigbar had seemed like such a cool guy... that weird uncle sort of fellow who always had some strangely helpful advice. He'd even mostly fooled Axel into believing maybe he was okay.

Boy, how he'd been wrong.

"I promise to only wear an eyepatch on Talk Like A Pirate Day, deal?"

And then he gave a visible start at the subject change, shaking his head almost immediately at the idea and not even waiting for Riku to finish talking.

"Riku, no," he said sharply, reaching one hand out and sort of waving it at him, like he was trying to distract him from this line of thought. "You're joking, right?" Talk about victim-blaming. "There were bullets everywhere, you nimrod--I'm amazed Sora and I didn't get shot." Well, he'd been grazed, but that wasn't important. "If anything, it was my fault for panicking about it."

And that was the long and short of it. Lea had... panicked. He had watched Riku fall and everything else had tumbled away and nothing else mattered; it was like every other part of his brain but the one focused on Riku had simply shut down.

He lowered his eyes a moment, scowling at the back of the chair.

"You took that bullet in the chest, man," he said, a hand swimming to the center of his own chest and sort of rubbing at the shirt, like brushing at a phantom pain. "I mean, if you hadn't been wearing that armor, it would'a..." He looked up, a flicker of real fear in his eyes. "That should have killed you like instantly," he said, shaking his head. "I didn't know you had the vest--I just... panicked. If I'd just taken a breath and calmed the hell down, I would have realized the fact that you were still breathing and there was no blood meant something had stopped the bullet, but instead, I shouted for Sora's help, and then everything all went to hell."

He scrubbed at his forehead with the heel of one hand.

"It's stupid," he said. "I like to think I'm in control, you know? Like I've got a handle on what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, but..." He shook his head again. "Sometimes I just lose that." Powerful emotions never got less powerful, but they got easier to control, easier to handle... The thing was, Lea never wanted to get so used to fear and grief that they didn't bother him anymore. There was that series of Catch-22s again. "Half the time I feel like my life would be so much easier if I just didn't have to worry about emotions again," he said, though he wasn't really serious. He met Riku's eye, frowning. "But no, it wasn't your fault for getting shot. That could have been any of us; you didn't do it on purpose."

Riku shrank slightly as he waved his hand in front of his face, looking back up to him and putting his bowl on the table.

He didn't quite understand it all. Riku had problems understanding all this. Ros had reacted similarly--if he had to say it, she reacted much more harshly, telling him that she wouldn't stand for that sort of thinking, when he'd thought it was his fault he was kidnapped. Now Lea thought that way, too? But hadn't it been his fault?

"It's hard to get your emotions under control when it's under the normal circumstances, how can we ask you to do it after a few months of having your heart back?" he started to reason, a little wince on his face.

My life would be so much easier if I just didn't have to worry about emotions again.

How could he say I don't think it would be, and not have it sound accusatory?

"Whatever happened... at least we're all safe."

Lea instantly felt bad when Riku sort of flinched away from his hand when he waved, like he was expecting to be struck. Ugh, he hated the way he did that--he always quailed, and it made his heart ache somehow. Riku was a really strong fighter, had kicked Axel's ass on more than one occasion, and yet he just... shied away from every touch like maybe he was too brittle to withstand it.

He shook his head.

"I dunno, I guess I just feel like I shouldn't suck so much at it," he lamented. "I mean I had a heart for longer than I didn't." He'd grown up with one, after all. "Shouldn't this be like riding a bike? I thought feeling wasn't something you forgot how to do."

Really, though, the problem wasn't that he'd forgotten how to have emotions... it was that he'd never been old enough to really need to know how to control the more dire ones. Growing up in Radiant Garden, Lea hadn't had to deal with grief, and the worst fear he'd really had to endure was that time he snuck out of the house one night and then couldn't get back in, and he'd been sure he was gonna be grounded for life. So when Axel had been faced with situations that might have warranted such sentiments, he'd simply faced them with the grim detachment of a creature that had been told emotions meant nothing.

He sighed and plunked his chin down on the back of the chair, his brow furrowed.

"I'm not sorry I got my heart back," he said, in a 'for the record' tone. "I mean, I wouldn't... we wouldn't... have this otherwise, right?" He ventured a crooked grin. "And I'm really, you know... glad we have this." He lifted his head again, folding his arms on the back of the chair and clearing his throat. "I guess I just wish I didn't feel like I kept screwing it up. Sometimes it's like there's just all this static in my head. But even if they're problematic, I'm definitely not sorry I have actual emotions again." He shuffled his feet a little. "I've already kinda learned a lot from 'em, you know?"

His grin bled into a genuine smile then, and he reached into his pocket. Withdrawing his hand, he opened it to show Riku the half-flattened bullet there in his palm.

"Don't wait. Act," he said, and closed his fingers tightly around it again. "Otherwise you might miss your opportunity for something really awesome."

"You can forget what it's like," Riku defended, twining his fingers together idly, eyes on them. He thought a moment (what were the repercussions if telling Lea this?) "For a long time, I didn't get being happy after Roxas merged with Sora. I felt so guilty, I had no clue what to do. I think, when I met up with Sora--and he made this ridiculous face at me, because I wasn't sure if I should go back home--I remembered what it was like, to laugh." He shook his head. "If that's just me, maybe it could've happened to you, too."

He felt like hiding his face at Lea's gesture, looking at the ground.

"Maybe I'll speak up more often," he mused. "If it leads to stuff like this, maybe what I feel isn't that bad."

Nodding to the bullet, his eyes lidded. "New motto?"

"Does that mean next time you're being Mopey McMopeface I should just make stupid faces at you?" Lea snorted. He preemptively dodged a potential incoming swat and laughed. "Wish I'd known it was that easy. Leave it to me to overcomplicate things."

He pressed his lips together, making a noncommittal wordless noise.

"Maybe you should," he said, bouncing one foot against the floor. "I mean, you never ask for stuff, you never say anything when something's wrong. Piping up about the bad things is good too, you know?" He extended his leg and prodded Riku's knee with one socked foot. "I know I'm not really good about that either," he admitted with a sheepish look, "but I can't make faces at you if you're only moping on the inside, got it memorized?"

Lea shook his head then, patting the bullet safely back in his pocket.

"Old motto," he said, "recycled for a relevant situation." He absently rubbed his fingers against the spot on his cheek where he'd been grazed, though the injury had been healed clean. "Guess I've got a pretty big repertoire of those, huh. Maybe I should write a book."

"It doesn't work, with you," Riku said, shrugging. "Sora's got a weird face. You have a nice..." Immediately, he was acutely aware of what he was saying, and his cheeks flared up. "Uh--nevermind." He braced a hand against his head, looking down at the floor.

"I just... never thought it mattered, when compared to the grand scheme of things," he carded a hand through his hair then. "I never thought it'd be important. And then you," he raised his eyes, a little shy. "went and actually had me feeling like... maybe they were. Maybe feeling could help someone." Riku shrugged, twining his fingertips together now, refusing to look up to Lea. Talking about this sort of thing felt heavy on his tongue. Now that he'd pressed Lea to talk about himself more, he didn't feel like he could abstain from talking about himself. It'd be hypocritical, and though Riku sometimes welcomed it... not in this case. Not with Lea.

Lea snorted a laugh. "A nice... what? Go on~" He rested his chin on one posed hand, trying to make a sultry face, which mostly wound up looking silly.

The exaggerated expression softened a bit when Riku continued though, and he reached out to tweak at Riku's bangs with one hand.

"Hey," he said, and flicked one finger gently under his chin. "Look at me, okay?" He smiled. "People's feelings always matter. Trust me: as someone who spent a long time without any, when you have them? They matter. They matter a lot."

He pressed his fingertip playfully to the tip of Riku's nose and grinned.

"So even if my face is too dashingly handsome to make you quit moping, you should tell me when something's on your mind," he said, and then looked thoughtful for a moment. "Or... on your heart, I guess I should say."

Riku rolled his eyes at the expression, looking aside. He was only brought back down when Lea reached out and touched his hair, tipping his chin up as he brought a finger underneath it.

--ugh, what was that flutter in his stomach? He looked embarrassed and shy as he looked away--he hadn't meant to make Lea to reassure him of that. He wanted to retort with a quiet sap, but only could murmur 'thanks', before he wrinkled his nose.

"I will. ... your face isn't dashingly handsome, you're no prince," Riku stated with raised brows, trying not to smile. "But you're..." his voice faltered and he pressed a fist against his face. How did he talk himself into a corner again. "... handsome. I guess. Captivating? Uh... attention-grabbing-ly? That's not it..."

"I could be--you don't know that for sure," Lea retorted, straightening his spine. "Maybe I'm the last in a royal bloodline of gingers." And then he shook his head, laughing. "Nah, you're right--I'd be a terrible prince. I'd just make my servants do everything for me and I'd nap all the time and make up ridiculous holidays like International Ice Cream Appreciation Day."

He tried really hard not to laugh when Riku continued talking, though, sort of fumbling for the right word, and he hid his amusement behind one hand. Okay, he really had to admit it, Riku was adorable when he was flustered. He just sort of stumbled over himself like a puppy whose feet were too big or something.

Shoulders quaking with quiet laughter, Lea got to his feet and nudged his chair aside, picking up his empty noodle bowl and walking past Riku toward the kitchen. Setting the bowl in the sink, he headed back to the little eating area and planted a kiss directly on top of Riku's head as he rounded past him again.

"You used a vocab word!" he said with a grin, sitting down backwards in his chair again. "Nice job, you've been paying attention after all." And then he wagged a finger at him. "For the record, you've got a pretty nice face yourself, okay?" He figured one good awkward compliment deserved another. Riku always sold himself short, so if Lea had to spell it out for him, then so be it. "Your eyes are my favorite."

"Yeah, sure, you could be Kairi's long-lost brother, and be the first Prince of Heart," Riku teased with a smirk, his own shoulders shaking at the thought. Not that it'd make him royalty, but...

As he thought more on what word to use to correctly describe Lea's looks to him, he shrugged, smiling. "I told you, I listen," was Riku's only response, behind a mockingly long-suffering sigh. The compliment took him completely by surprise though, his hand pausing in brushing his hand back as he just blinked at the air in front of him. The elaboration just caused him to duck his head, his entire face red before he just covered it up with his hands.

"Ugh."

"Now there's a thought," Lea snickered. "I dunno, there's not a lot of resemblance beyond the hair color..." He rubbed his chin. "Though, does that mean I'm adopted? Or maybe she is. Pretty sure her grandma wasn't mine--she didn't look a thing like the photos my ma showed me."

And as expected, the compliment sent Riku spiraling into a flustered storm of blushing and muttering. He scooted his chair forward, the legs scraping against the floor, and then reached out, taking Riku's face in both hands and lifting it gently.

"When somebody gives you a compliment, you just say 'thanks'," he said, no teasing in his tone this time. "As much as I enjoy watching you bluster, it, ah..." He shrugged one shoulder. "I mean, it's a little sad the way you react. Like nobody ever said anything nice about you before."

Edited 2014-02-07 03:53 (UTC)

Riku tried not to react to the quiet confession--it wasn't like no one had, but...

He thinks back, back to when he was at home, before any of this happened. His parents were doting, but he can't actually remember much if any compliments. There was wicked retribution for anyone who said he was less than perfect, but the attention was always less on him and more the world around him, and as much as it'd made Riku confused, it made him more weary. His friends--always kept him grounded, always made him feel like he did a difference... but it'd be tough to say if he'd been complimented to his face.

He didn't want to count compliments, but maybe what Lea said had some truth to it. Maybe he didn't hear it that often. Riku tended to think the worst of himself anyhow.

"Thanks," he murmured, obedient. He didn't want to say that he thought of himself as weird-looking--Kairi was strange on the islands, but at the very least, she had a reason to look out of place. Riku freckled and had bright silver hair and near-luminescent eyes and was too pale to really call islander, too quick to pick up muscle when he shouldn't have shed his baby fat until later years.

Well. He supposed that was another reason he'd never felt like he belonged.

"You two scold me the same. ... almost the same. She yanks my arm," he rubbed his wrist, remembering her tug when he insisted on not being called by his title when he'd brought her to Yen Sid's. "Grandma? What're you talking about?"

He released Riku's face and gave a hopeless smile, shaking his head.

"You don't have to sound to reticent about it," he complained good-naturedly. "Look, I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but I'm not sorry for having nice stuff to say about you, sheesh. I'd make a pretty lousy partner if I couldn't even give you a compliment, what do you take me for?"

Really, Lea had never paid so much attention to someone's looks as he did their personality. Oh, sure, he was just as susceptible to a looker as anybody, gender notwithstanding, at that, but he liked Riku because of who he was, not what he looked like. That wasn't to say he never looked--Riku was a good-looking guy! But that wasn't what kept Lea around, and it never would be.

"Eh," he said then, waving a hand, "arm-yanking isn't my style. Chain-yanking and leg-pulling, however, are completely different." And also just figures of speech. He furrowed his brow a little then. Riku didn't know about her grandma? "Oh... I used to see her with her grandma sometimes, around the castle. Did she not talk about her folks or anything?" he asked, rubbing his chin in thought. "Maybe they didn't survive the trip or something. I always wondered how she got off-world anyhow."

He hadn't known about Gummi Ships at the time--he wasn't even sure if Cid had actually successfully built one back before Gardenfall. So how had Kairi gotten from Garden to the islands?

Edited 2014-02-07 08:14 (UTC)

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somehow you always seem to be there, making it easy

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