The harsh laugh didn't come as a surprise, sadly, and Lea released Riku's face as he felt the younger man sort of tremble beneath his hands. Riku didn't give himself a sliver of the credit he was due, and it kind of made Lea ache with indignation.
"Yeah," he said sternly, frowning a little, "I do. I'd fly either way, Riku, but... I ain't had an offset in a really long time. And you see how things have gone for me." He hesitated, then glanced away. "I've been nosediving since I lost Isa, really," he admitted, his voice barely audible. "Roxas and Xion, they gave me a direction, but no matter how I tried I just couldn't quite get there." He shook his head and met Riku's eye again. "I made all the wrong decisions," he said, and then just sort of let his arms flap helplessly to his sides, "and when I thought you'd been shot, when I thought you were just gonna die and leave me behind, I almost made a bunch more."
Like he had in Paris. He had killed those men--actual people--like they'd been nothing more than Dusks. Less than Dusks. Even as he had slaughtered them alongside Sora in Betwixt and Between Axel had thought to himself that he didn't really want to destroy them. But those men in Paris? ... He had killed them without remorse. He had wanted to kill them. And he had been a breath away from doing the same thing to all those bandits in Nepal. He didn't know what he would have even done about Sora.
Lea paused, pressing his lips together, and then reached out impulsively to grab Riku's hand again, squeezing it tightly.
"I learn from my mistakes," he said, "but... I gotta make 'em first. That's always been my problem: I'm a once bitten twice shy kind of person, and I don't learn my lesson until I've been bitten. I screwed up with Roxas and Xion. I lied to them, I kept things from them... I learned that doing that destroys friendships, good intentions notwithstanding. They... they keep me honest. Every time I consider lying, omitting, I remember everything I lost because of that." He squeezed his hand tight. "You, though, you... keep me from being a selfish ass. I never would have done that dumb mission if it hadn't been for your pressing about it. I don't play Good Samaritan, it's just not in my nature." He ventured a crooked attempt at a smile. "They keep me honest, but you keep me... good, I guess." He rubbed his neck with his free hand. "Wow, that sounds... really dumb."
And then he sighed.
"I'm not really sure where we're going," he admitted, "but I think I finally feel like maybe I know the baseline well enough to write the rest of the song." More metaphors; try and keep up, sport. So long as Riku was the counterpoint, Lea figured he could keep the song going. "It ain't fair to just expect you to take all those first steps."
The crooked smile straightened a little, broadened a lot, and Lea chuckled faintly.
"It isn't cheap," he said. He'd known, in a way, for a while. He knew Riku kind of needed a keeper, as it were. What had surprised him was how eagerly he himself had stepped up to that plate. Leaning forward again he pressed a kiss to the corner of Riku's lips before pulling back and squeezing his hand again. "I know how much it means to know somebody needs you around. That's... that's why I wanted to tell you."
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"Yeah," he said sternly, frowning a little, "I do. I'd fly either way, Riku, but... I ain't had an offset in a really long time. And you see how things have gone for me." He hesitated, then glanced away. "I've been nosediving since I lost Isa, really," he admitted, his voice barely audible. "Roxas and Xion, they gave me a direction, but no matter how I tried I just couldn't quite get there." He shook his head and met Riku's eye again. "I made all the wrong decisions," he said, and then just sort of let his arms flap helplessly to his sides, "and when I thought you'd been shot, when I thought you were just gonna die and leave me behind, I almost made a bunch more."
Like he had in Paris. He had killed those men--actual people--like they'd been nothing more than Dusks. Less than Dusks. Even as he had slaughtered them alongside Sora in Betwixt and Between Axel had thought to himself that he didn't really want to destroy them. But those men in Paris? ... He had killed them without remorse. He had wanted to kill them. And he had been a breath away from doing the same thing to all those bandits in Nepal. He didn't know what he would have even done about Sora.
Lea paused, pressing his lips together, and then reached out impulsively to grab Riku's hand again, squeezing it tightly.
"I learn from my mistakes," he said, "but... I gotta make 'em first. That's always been my problem: I'm a once bitten twice shy kind of person, and I don't learn my lesson until I've been bitten. I screwed up with Roxas and Xion. I lied to them, I kept things from them... I learned that doing that destroys friendships, good intentions notwithstanding. They... they keep me honest. Every time I consider lying, omitting, I remember everything I lost because of that." He squeezed his hand tight. "You, though, you... keep me from being a selfish ass. I never would have done that dumb mission if it hadn't been for your pressing about it. I don't play Good Samaritan, it's just not in my nature." He ventured a crooked attempt at a smile. "They keep me honest, but you keep me... good, I guess." He rubbed his neck with his free hand. "Wow, that sounds... really dumb."
And then he sighed.
"I'm not really sure where we're going," he admitted, "but I think I finally feel like maybe I know the baseline well enough to write the rest of the song." More metaphors; try and keep up, sport. So long as Riku was the counterpoint, Lea figured he could keep the song going. "It ain't fair to just expect you to take all those first steps."
The crooked smile straightened a little, broadened a lot, and Lea chuckled faintly.
"It isn't cheap," he said. He'd known, in a way, for a while. He knew Riku kind of needed a keeper, as it were. What had surprised him was how eagerly he himself had stepped up to that plate. Leaning forward again he pressed a kiss to the corner of Riku's lips before pulling back and squeezing his hand again. "I know how much it means to know somebody needs you around. That's... that's why I wanted to tell you."