The glare caught Axel by surprise. He figured Riku was perceptive enough to pick up on sarcasm when it was thrown at him, but really--how could the kid possibly expect him to buy that? Destroy two halves to recreate the whole? In what universe did that make any sense?
When Riku claimed he already had his heart back, however, all Axel could do was stare at him. His words were like needles that pricked at his skin, they hurt somehow, but not enough to really react more than with a flicker of a grimace and perhaps confusion. Where had this pain come from, anyway? It was... what was it? What was this feeling? What was the name for this feeling he was trying to remember how to feel?
Why was he best friends with Roxas? Well, why was he? It hadn't started out that way, after all; he'd been put in charge of Roxas' training, and later Xion's, and he had taken that job seriously. Why, though? Certainly Axel had taken his responsibilities at the Organization seriously (if he'd schlepped off it would have hurt his and Saïx's plans, right?), but why had he taken Roxas and Xion so seriously? He had let the kids interfere with those plans. The kids had somehow become more important than his plans with his old friend. For that matter, he hadn't even known the extent of Saïx's goals. He had known that the plan was for Saïx to climb through the ranks, and then they would... what? Unseat Xemnas? How? And then what? When he sat down and thought about it, the plan really wasn't very solid... so why had he gone along with it?
Because Saïx--no... Isa. Isa had been his friend! Isa had always come up with good plans! Isa had always jumped in and rescued him when his own harebrained ideas had gone awry! Of course he had gone along with Saïx's plan, what else should he have done?
So why had Roxas and Xion come to trump that? How? Axel had tried not to think about it too much, the fact that technically his lack of heart should have made the friendship with the kids impossible... but somewhere in the back of his mind he'd known that wasn't the case. He had cared about Roxas, about Xion... he'd even cared about Demyx, to an extent! Demyx was his direct subordinate, had been his very first pupil... and he'd given a damn about what might happen to him.
Why?
He exhaled in a wheeze, not even realizing he'd been holding his breath until he suddenly grew lightheaded, and somewhere along the way he had tangled one long hand in the front of his tee shirt.
His jaw worked soundlessly for a moment, his stomach having dropped to his feet, and when he met Riku's eyes with his own, bright and fierce and lost, he just shook his head.
"We were to complete Kingdom Hearts," he said, shaking his head again, "and when that happened, we would... we would get out hearts back. That's what we'd been working toward. That was always the plan."
For the better part of a decade, that had been the plan. All those years, all that time... all those Heartless that they had destroyed, those worlds that they'd haunted, the lives they had stolen for the sake of creating strong Heartless... Had that all been for nothing? If the goal hadn't been to fill the heart-shaped moon that hung listlessly in the skies over Never Was, what had they been doing all this time? He had no doubt that Xemnas had been using all of them, but it was a goal that they all sought for.
Wasn't it?
Axel's brows crashed together and his expression twisted with disbelief and something like pain.
"What I feel or don't feel is no business of yours," he said, his voice low and sharp and dangerous, "and my friendship with Roxas and Xion has nothing to do with the Organization's goals. If we've had our hearts the whole time, then what the hell are we?"
They had lost their hearts. He knew that much. There was no denying it, no questioning it. They had lost their hearts and now skulked somewhere between light and darkness, between day and night, black and white, lost in the grey spaces between spaces and the shadows that bled from the bottoms of every world they touched. He had spent far too much time believing that what he'd been doing had been for a good reason--it was the only reason he'd done most of it.
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When Riku claimed he already had his heart back, however, all Axel could do was stare at him. His words were like needles that pricked at his skin, they hurt somehow, but not enough to really react more than with a flicker of a grimace and perhaps confusion. Where had this pain come from, anyway? It was... what was it? What was this feeling? What was the name for this feeling he was trying to remember how to feel?
Why was he best friends with Roxas? Well, why was he? It hadn't started out that way, after all; he'd been put in charge of Roxas' training, and later Xion's, and he had taken that job seriously. Why, though? Certainly Axel had taken his responsibilities at the Organization seriously (if he'd schlepped off it would have hurt his and Saïx's plans, right?), but why had he taken Roxas and Xion so seriously? He had let the kids interfere with those plans. The kids had somehow become more important than his plans with his old friend. For that matter, he hadn't even known the extent of Saïx's goals. He had known that the plan was for Saïx to climb through the ranks, and then they would... what? Unseat Xemnas? How? And then what? When he sat down and thought about it, the plan really wasn't very solid... so why had he gone along with it?
Because Saïx--no... Isa. Isa had been his friend! Isa had always come up with good plans! Isa had always jumped in and rescued him when his own harebrained ideas had gone awry! Of course he had gone along with Saïx's plan, what else should he have done?
So why had Roxas and Xion come to trump that? How? Axel had tried not to think about it too much, the fact that technically his lack of heart should have made the friendship with the kids impossible... but somewhere in the back of his mind he'd known that wasn't the case. He had cared about Roxas, about Xion... he'd even cared about Demyx, to an extent! Demyx was his direct subordinate, had been his very first pupil... and he'd given a damn about what might happen to him.
Why?
He exhaled in a wheeze, not even realizing he'd been holding his breath until he suddenly grew lightheaded, and somewhere along the way he had tangled one long hand in the front of his tee shirt.
His jaw worked soundlessly for a moment, his stomach having dropped to his feet, and when he met Riku's eyes with his own, bright and fierce and lost, he just shook his head.
"We were to complete Kingdom Hearts," he said, shaking his head again, "and when that happened, we would... we would get out hearts back. That's what we'd been working toward. That was always the plan."
For the better part of a decade, that had been the plan. All those years, all that time... all those Heartless that they had destroyed, those worlds that they'd haunted, the lives they had stolen for the sake of creating strong Heartless... Had that all been for nothing? If the goal hadn't been to fill the heart-shaped moon that hung listlessly in the skies over Never Was, what had they been doing all this time? He had no doubt that Xemnas had been using all of them, but it was a goal that they all sought for.
Wasn't it?
Axel's brows crashed together and his expression twisted with disbelief and something like pain.
"What I feel or don't feel is no business of yours," he said, his voice low and sharp and dangerous, "and my friendship with Roxas and Xion has nothing to do with the Organization's goals. If we've had our hearts the whole time, then what the hell are we?"
They had lost their hearts. He knew that much. There was no denying it, no questioning it. They had lost their hearts and now skulked somewhere between light and darkness, between day and night, black and white, lost in the grey spaces between spaces and the shadows that bled from the bottoms of every world they touched. He had spent far too much time believing that what he'd been doing had been for a good reason--it was the only reason he'd done most of it.
To think that it had all been a lie was too much.